Hey, boys and girls – have you ever gone to a birthday party that just totally sucked nuts? No, not in the way that you’ll come to enjoy in your sophomore year of college – I’m talking about a totally lame-o party where nobody cool shows up and the cake is made of lime jello, whipped cream and dog hair.

Well children, that’s what’s happening to a poor, murderous old dictator in Africa right now! Continue Reading »

Courtesy of, it’s “Trillion Dollar Bailout” – the easiest way to slap a CEO. But don’t worry, we’re still on for that cross-country looting and burning tour of Circuit City stores…

Play Games at AddictingGames

And the winners were: Slumdog, the dead guy and that seriously irritating liberal guy. The losers are Mickey Rourke and the home television audience.

Also, lots of women wore lots of overpriced gowns that will only earn them a week’s worth of mockery; Wolverine hosted and no one knows why or how that came about; oh, and did you know that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are together? How ’bout that?”

Consequently, there was about three minutes of the whole evening worth watching…

A truly tragic day. It seems totally inappropriate now to have called the Dow Jones a ‘Pussy’ this morning. Sorry.

Google Earth, the application best known for boosting the self-esteem of crop circle enthusiasts, and its new sister app, Google Ocean may have helped lead to the discovery of the ancient, mythical, D&D nerd fantasy city of Atlantis. Experts say they’ve spotted what appears to be grid-like lines on the Ocean floor off the Canary Islands that could be the remains of the lost casino-inspired city.

Upon hearing the news, IL Governor Pat Quinn called a press conference to nominate scandal-ridden Senator Roland Burris to head a team of explorers to the site. Continue Reading »

Flickr: craigmdennis

Kit Bond, the Republican U.S. Senator from Missouri once thought to be a specialty brand of adhesive for model airplane enthusiasts, is apparently still sniffing the good shit.When it comes to the stimulus plan, this good ol’ boy is having his cake, eating it, and sending a flaming pile of resultant crap out through his flaks. Continue Reading »

Stock markets across the globe are totally bitching out this morning, leading to gasps and moans of disgust from onlookers. After falling to a new six-year low yesterday, stocks continued tumbling by over 100 points on the open this morning. Rumor is that if the Dow doesn’t get up off its lazy ass, Cramer’s going to come over there, and he’s going to get way off script. Jones allegedly received no calls or e-mails for Valentine’s Day, save for a “black rose” received on Facebook from Maria Bartiromo with a message that read: “I thought we had something special – now I’m wondering if you’re gay or something.”

Wave of Selling Spans Globe –

President Obama made his first visit to a foreign country today and as was the tradition until our last President, he went to Canada. I know some of you just refer to it as America’s helmet, but our fate is tied to yours – and with that in mind here is what President Obama must always keep in mind about the True North: Continue Reading »

The former Senator from the great state of Delusion wowed Cornhusking students this week with a lecture on America, Christianity and Islam.  Boldly ignoring much of the history of Christianity, he explained (according to the Daily Nebraskan)

“that Christians, who believe in Jesus Christ, never governed or conquered anyone, but Mohammed was a warrior and killed people.”

According to the account, Santorum continued to display his disdain for words and languages that exist in reality: Continue Reading »

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