Consumer Confidence Totally, like, Hits an All-Time Low

Yes, it’s that bad boys and girls. Consumer confidence reached an all time low today. Sure, we had all seen it coming for months with the housing crisis, credit crunch, unemployment, but then today, just after lunch hour, came the crushing blow. Apparently, C.C. attempted to talk to this totally hot girl in a pair of hip-huggers with the word “naughty” embellished across the back. C.C. had neglected to remember that due to extremely weak retail sales across the board in the last quarter of 2008, he was still wearing an Old Navy polo he purchased in 2006, but it had been purchased on clearance at that point, making it look sooo 2005.

C.C.’s attempt at small talk was initially rebuked with a hand to the face, but seconds later, following a barrage of giggles from a huddle of the girl’s friends, she spun around to meet his gaze again, and opened her perfect, beglittered lips to say:

“I mean – are you serious? You thought I was like actually going to like, talk to you? What is with that shirt anyway? That’s like totally somethin out of Lost, season 1 – and I’m talking about something out of the flash-backs. Are you like that poor? Why would I want to hang out with a poor person? Why don’t you just go back home to your dumpster behind Circuit City?”

Consumer confidence was last seen with his head under the covers, iPod in hand, with the folder “Emo” set to repeat.

Eric Mack


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