Top 10 Things That Should Have Been in The Stimulus Package

  • #10 – Um, jobs for people who don’t work in construction, maybe.
  • #9 – Puppies! But not those Mexico City strays that still have their balls – we’re talking cute as hell fully-castrated Labs! Soft and cuddly will kick the shit out of any global financial catastrophe.
  • #8 – Omaha Steaks – let’s see them try and outsource that American classic! What’s that? Oh, really – Argentina, huh? Didn’t save them from economic ruin twice in 15 years, you say? Ok, maybe White Castle, then.
  • #7 – Just give all the money to Oprah, she’ll know how to handle this. She saved my marriage, you know.
  • #6 – A program that takes advantage of the current high-yield and record interest in US Treasury bonds to guarantee a mortgage rate of 4 percent, essentially solving the foreclosure crisis at no cost to taxpayers.
  • #5 – Massive infrastructure project to officially transfer American society into Second Life where the laws of physics and economics don’t apply.
  • #4 – Building a 100-story wall around Wall St.
  • #3 – Everyone gets a book deal! Oh, I mean Everyone gets a second book deal!
  • #2 – $300 billion dollars to Nigerian princes and former bankers for them to transfer into our bank accounts.
  • #1 – Implementation of an indentured servitude program for former and current financial sector CEOs to serve at the pleasure of anyone who has ever had to search for that one fucking item they need at Home Depot and the customer service rep doesn’t now the difference between a Phillips and a flathead!

– Add your own by commenting below.


  1. How about jobs for people who aren’t illegal immigrants, amirite?

  2. nineroots

    Get rid of all government subsidies- cold turkey. This would actually be an interesting experiment. Can you write a post about what would happen? I mean, I could do without all that corn.

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