A Bailout Etiquette Guide for Banks Looking to Survive 2009


Nope, no idea what this means,
but we like it.
Flickr: veganstraightedge

The O-Town express has laid out its plan for stemming the Michael Bey-scale craptide of foreclosures, and TrezSec Timothy Geithner has at least mentioned that he’s got a few ideas for helping out the banks last week over a Frozen Tangerine Dream® during Applebees’ Happy Hour. But given the auto executives’ PR nightmare a few months ago when they were carried into the Congressional hearing room on the shoulders of 18 UAW eunuchs adorned with golden fleece and a soft shell of Godiva chocolate, we thought it best to provide a few tips for those fine banking industry folks to avoid pissing us off (anymore).

  1. Bring that basket of lollipops – It’s pretty much the only reason we still patronize banks at all.  And it teaches kids that saving is sweet! At least until they become diabetic in old age, betrayed by their body as well as every institution they once believed in.
  2. Try not to talk about anything that actually has to do with banking – We all think it’s pretty boring; and we think you’re boring.  If you have to mention anything, go with how thick the door to the safe is. That shit is cool. Come to think of it – that’s where you guys keep all the money, right? That’s the real problem with this whole crisis isn’t it? You forgot the fucking combination, didn’t you? God, you bankers are such a bunch of stoners – Maybe don’t mention the safe, either.
  3. If you’re meeting with anyone in D.C., ride a bike or a unicycle, or a moped that runs on grass clippings – Just trust us on this one.
  4. Wear a nametag that says “Bob the Banker” – no matter what your actual name is. Also consider changing your bank’s name to Bob’s Bar, and serve drinks.
  5. Consider an architectural makeover – Financial institutions designed to resemble two-story mattresses or a Maxwell House can circa 1931 will be all the rage in the years to come.
  6. So that we can more easily assist you – please enter all sixteen digits of your account number, followed by your social security and birth date and then speak your pass code slowly and clearly. Now please repeat your pass code in Hindi. We’re sorry, we didn’t get that. Please enjoy 20 minutes of these jazzy interpretations of Joe Satriani originals. “David” from Bangalore will be right with you to assist you with your bailout, you schmuck.
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