Hey Dow Jones! Get Up, You Pussy!

Stock markets across the globe are totally bitching out this morning, leading to gasps and moans of disgust from onlookers. After falling to a new six-year low yesterday, stocks continued tumbling by over 100 points on the open this morning. Rumor is that if the Dow doesn’t get up off its lazy ass, Cramer’s going to come over there, and he’s going to get way off script. Jones allegedly received no calls or e-mails for Valentine’s Day, save for a “black rose” received on Facebook from Maria Bartiromo with a message that read: “I thought we had something special – now I’m wondering if you’re gay or something.”

Wave of Selling Spans Globe – WSJ.com.

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