Monday Afterschool Special – No Party for Robby Mugabe on his 85th :(
Hey, boys and girls – have you ever gone to a birthday party that just totally sucked nuts? No, not in the way that you’ll come to enjoy in your sophomore year of college – I’m talking about a totally lame-o party where nobody cool shows up and the cake is made of lime jello, whipped cream and dog hair.
Well children, that’s what’s happening to a poor, murderous old dictator in Africa right now! His name is Robert Mugabe, but because that’s kind of hard to say, lots of people in his country of Zimbabwe call him either ‘your imminence’ or ‘that total mother-fucker.’ Try practicing that name with your Mom and Dad!
Anyway, Robby Mugabe’s having a very sad birthday this year. He’s turning 85 years old, which may sound like a lot, but it’s just a tiny fraction of the millions of lives that Mr. MotherFucker has totally ruined and blended into the Jell-O cake that no one will be around to eat.
See, when it was time to raise money for Robby’s big birthday party there was nobody to help buy the cups and plates and indentured child servants and Ligers and anal beads. That’s because the whole world is broke and Zimbabwe is the most broke place in the world. Did you know that one dollar in America can buy the lives of almost every Zimbabwean alive? Oh, no – put that dollar away, kids, there’s no point, because they’re pretty much all already dead, anyway.
Why are you crying? Those tears won’t make Cholera go away, children, and neither will Mr. MotherFucker. He’s too upset that no one’s coming to his birthday. Better hope he doesn’t come to yours. Sleep tight!