Archive for the ‘Broken Economy’ Category
Hey, boys and girls – have you ever gone to a birthday party that just totally sucked nuts? No, not in the way that you’ll come to enjoy in your sophomore year of college – I’m talking about a totally lame-o party where nobody cool shows up and the cake is made of lime jello, whipped cream and dog hair.
Well children, that’s what’s happening to a poor, murderous old dictator in Africa right now! Continue Reading »
Courtesy of addictinggames.com, it’s “Trillion Dollar Bailout” – the easiest way to slap a CEO. But don’t worry, we’re still on for that cross-country looting and burning tour of Circuit City stores…
Play Games at AddictingGames
Kit Bond, the Republican U.S. Senator from Missouri once thought to be a specialty brand of adhesive for model airplane enthusiasts, is apparently still sniffing the good shit.When it comes to the stimulus plan, this good ol’ boy is having his cake, eating it, and sending a flaming pile of resultant crap out through his flaks. Continue Reading »
Stock markets across the globe are totally bitching out this morning, leading to gasps and moans of disgust from onlookers. After falling to a new six-year low yesterday, stocks continued tumbling by over 100 points on the open this morning. Rumor is that if the Dow doesn’t get up off its lazy ass, Cramer’s going to come over there, and he’s going to get way off script. Jones allegedly received no calls or e-mails for Valentine’s Day, save for a “black rose” received on Facebook from Maria Bartiromo with a message that read: “I thought we had something special – now I’m wondering if you’re gay or something.”
Nope, no idea what this means,
but we like it.
The O-Town express has laid out its plan for stemming the Michael Bey-scale craptide of foreclosures, and TrezSec Timothy Geithner has at least mentioned that he’s got a few ideas for helping out the banks last week over a Frozen Tangerine Dream® during Applebees’ Happy Hour. But given the auto executives’ PR nightmare a few months ago when they were carried into the Congressional hearing room on the shoulders of 18 UAW eunuchs adorned with golden fleece and a soft shell of Godiva chocolate, we thought it best to provide a few tips for those fine banking industry folks to avoid pissing us off (anymore). Continue Reading »
To commemorate the historic signing of the $787 billion economic stimulus plan, the Dow hit a ten-year low as millions of Americans cried tears of an unknown emotive origin, but it sure tastes a little bit like apocalyptic malaise…
While the world continued to derail unabated, we do at least have another new website to play with until the bank comes for our homes and our sperm. Continue Reading »
- #10 – Um, jobs for people who don’t work in construction, maybe.
- #9 – Puppies! But not those Mexico City strays that still have their balls – we’re talking cute as hell fully-castrated Labs! Soft and cuddly will kick the shit out of any global financial catastrophe.
- #8 – Omaha Steaks – let’s see them try and outsource that American classic! What’s that? Oh, really – Argentina, huh? Didn’t save them from economic ruin twice in 15 years, you say? Ok, maybe White Castle, then. Continue Reading »
When the times get tough, those who want to seem tough go to Indiana. Is there a more hard-working, blue-collar, down-to-earth, Cougar Mellencampy, Footloose state out there? The Hoosier state is stump speech heaven, which is why Obama went there Monday to avoid a premature political death. As if that weren’t enough, Obama went on primetime TV to address the nation, again. Someone should tell the President we’re all watching Hulu now. Continue Reading »
“You guys are all pricks, we’re going camping, and this time you’re not invited!” President Obama shouted as he climbed into Marine One for his first trip to Camp David for the weekend, after his attempt at shiny, happy bipartisanship went down in flames and Mitch McConnell and Nancy Pelosi continued into the 79th hour of their Ultimate Fighting Championship death match in the banquet room of the National Press Club. Pelosi’s mastery of the ancient Bhutanese art of Qiang Gong has been impressive, but the steel rod in McConnell’s leg has proven to be a valuable weapon. Continue Reading »
After taking a seatless bicycle to the nuts from the media and Tom Daschle’s accountant on Tuesday, Barack Obama woke up today and was comforted to remember that his ball point pen is the most powerful in the world. So he used it to give health insurance to 4 million children and take away millions of dollars from inept, infuriatingly-arrogant-with-a-sense-of-entitlement-that-makes-the-kids-on-the-Real-Housewives-of-Orange-County-seem-like-fucking-Tiny-Tim Wall Street executives. He also did that cool thing where he rolled it from finger to finger over his knuckles. Then he pulled a quarter out of Barney Frank’s ear. Continue Reading »