Nope, no idea what this means,
but we like it.
The O-Town express has laid out its plan for stemming the Michael Bey-scale craptide of foreclosures, and TrezSec Timothy Geithner has at least mentioned that he’s got a few ideas for helping out the banks last week over a Frozen Tangerine Dream® during Applebees’ Happy Hour. But given the auto executives’ PR nightmare a few months ago when they were carried into the Congressional hearing room on the shoulders of 18 UAW eunuchs adorned with golden fleece and a soft shell of Godiva chocolate, we thought it best to provide a few tips for those fine banking industry folks to avoid pissing us off (anymore). Continue Reading »
We paid your damn ransom with those two and a half months of our lives that you and Joe the Plumber stole from us last fall. We thought we had a deal. You get your fifteen minutes of fame/embarrassment and then you retreat back to your white trash winter wonderland to delude yourself with visions of a 2012 Presidential bid; we’ll even humor you for a day or two when you make the announcement, but until then – we need our rest. Continue Reading »
Remember those bygone days when a hit-making pop crap rapper could still wear glasses and a wardrobe straight out of Aladdin?
Seriously though, Hammer has been your classic rags-to-riches-to-bankruptcy-to-rags-to-I’ll-Take-Whatever-the-Fuck-I-Can-Get story. If that wasn’t made for basic cable, I don’t know what is. I mean really, is this actually surprising news to anyone? Which reminds me – ALF, where you at, buddy? Continue Reading »
To commemorate the historic signing of the $787 billion economic stimulus plan, the Dow hit a ten-year low as millions of Americans cried tears of an unknown emotive origin, but it sure tastes a little bit like apocalyptic malaise…
While the world continued to derail unabated, we do at least have another new website to play with until the bank comes for our homes and our sperm. Continue Reading »
“Happy Fucking Valentine’s Day, Barack – I’m Outta Here. Have fun with your two concubines from Maine and that slut Specter, you two-timing transformational messianic hunk! You told me I’d be your only true elephant! Oh God – it hurts, oh it hurts…” Judd Gregg began his press conference to announce that he was giving back the 24-karat cabinet post he received from Barry beneath the Lincoln Memorial. Continue Reading »
The ballad of O-Town is a simple one: nation falls in love with boy, but boy has to compete for nation’s love and affection as she is constantly distracted by Tommy, Timmy and that fucker Dow Jones. Boy refuses to give up, after all friendship isn’t enough because he knows he’s our soulmate, and he’s willing to go to the ends of the earth, or at least to Peoria, to prove it. Bush had Rove, this President has the wisdom of O-Town:
I am the only person on earth who is still watching ABC’s Lost. During tonight’s show I’m pretty sure New York Governor David Patterson walked through a shot. I used to know people who would hold parties to watch the show. Now I’m confused why I wasted space on Tivo for it. Continue Reading »
The hits keep coming for the poor Prez – with his stimulus package finally passing the senate with only 61 votes, you’d think a grateful nation would be FedExing ice cream cakes from all over the country, but noooo – instead the focus of the day remained on Treasury Sec. Tim Geithner’s new bank bailout plan, leaving Timbo in need of a bailout himself after stocks tumbled in response to the plan’s lack of detail. On the bright side, Michelle is on the cover of Vogue – suck on that, investors of the world! Continue Reading »
- #10 – Um, jobs for people who don’t work in construction, maybe.
- #9 – Puppies! But not those Mexico City strays that still have their balls – we’re talking cute as hell fully-castrated Labs! Soft and cuddly will kick the shit out of any global financial catastrophe.
- #8 – Omaha Steaks – let’s see them try and outsource that American classic! What’s that? Oh, really – Argentina, huh? Didn’t save them from economic ruin twice in 15 years, you say? Ok, maybe White Castle, then. Continue Reading »
When the times get tough, those who want to seem tough go to Indiana. Is there a more hard-working, blue-collar, down-to-earth, Cougar Mellencampy, Footloose state out there? The Hoosier state is stump speech heaven, which is why Obama went there Monday to avoid a premature political death. As if that weren’t enough, Obama went on primetime TV to address the nation, again. Someone should tell the President we’re all watching Hulu now. Continue Reading »