Posts Tagged ‘100 days’
To commemorate the historic signing of the $787 billion economic stimulus plan, the Dow hit a ten-year low as millions of Americans cried tears of an unknown emotive origin, but it sure tastes a little bit like apocalyptic malaise…
While the world continued to derail unabated, we do at least have another new website to play with until the bank comes for our homes and our sperm. Continue Reading »
“Happy Fucking Valentine’s Day, Barack – I’m Outta Here. Have fun with your two concubines from Maine and that slut Specter, you two-timing transformational messianic hunk! You told me I’d be your only true elephant! Oh God – it hurts, oh it hurts…” Judd Gregg began his press conference to announce that he was giving back the 24-karat cabinet post he received from Barry beneath the Lincoln Memorial. Continue Reading »
The ballad of O-Town is a simple one: nation falls in love with boy, but boy has to compete for nation’s love and affection as she is constantly distracted by Tommy, Timmy and that fucker Dow Jones. Boy refuses to give up, after all friendship isn’t enough because he knows he’s our soulmate, and he’s willing to go to the ends of the earth, or at least to Peoria, to prove it. Bush had Rove, this President has the wisdom of O-Town:
The hits keep coming for the poor Prez – with his stimulus package finally passing the senate with only 61 votes, you’d think a grateful nation would be FedExing ice cream cakes from all over the country, but noooo – instead the focus of the day remained on Treasury Sec. Tim Geithner’s new bank bailout plan, leaving Timbo in need of a bailout himself after stocks tumbled in response to the plan’s lack of detail. On the bright side, Michelle is on the cover of Vogue – suck on that, investors of the world! Continue Reading »
When the times get tough, those who want to seem tough go to Indiana. Is there a more hard-working, blue-collar, down-to-earth, Cougar Mellencampy, Footloose state out there? The Hoosier state is stump speech heaven, which is why Obama went there Monday to avoid a premature political death. As if that weren’t enough, Obama went on primetime TV to address the nation, again. Someone should tell the President we’re all watching Hulu now. Continue Reading »
He’s a busy boy, our Barry. On Thursday #44 created the office of faith-based initiatives – and this time it’ll actually do more than teach kids that sex is evil in all forms until you’re married. Welcome to the age of faith-based fornication! Oh wait, apparently that’s not quite what it’s about either… We’ll have to get back to you on that one. Let’s see what else… Looks like BO also had a little problem involving his labor nominee and some tax problems. Maybe just throw that one over there with the others, we’re all spent on tax evasion jokes (can we deduct that expense?)… Finally, the Prez wrapped up his day with his first flight on Air Force One to a Democratic conference where he beat down Republicans with his hopestick. Continue Reading »
After taking a seatless bicycle to the nuts from the media and Tom Daschle’s accountant on Tuesday, Barack Obama woke up today and was comforted to remember that his ball point pen is the most powerful in the world. So he used it to give health insurance to 4 million children and take away millions of dollars from inept, infuriatingly-arrogant-with-a-sense-of-entitlement-that-makes-the-kids-on-the-Real-Housewives-of-Orange-County-seem-like-fucking-Tiny-Tim Wall Street executives. He also did that cool thing where he rolled it from finger to finger over his knuckles. Then he pulled a quarter out of Barney Frank’s ear. Continue Reading »
It was a rough day for the big B.O. – you might even say it stunk. Two Obama insiders removed themselves from the running for jobs in the administration, including the biggest Democratic donkey of late, Driving Mister Daschle himself. But that wasn’t the real surprise of the day – it came later when we watched an American President apologize profusely. Wha?? But doesn’t that mean that the terrorists have won? Here’s how it came to this: Continue Reading »
Poor Tommy D – seen here downloading a new Kanye West ringtone using the White House blackberry account as his accountant digs her nails into her armrest – this guy just can’t catch a break.
He gets thrown out of office, just because he was in charge of one of the wimpiest Congressional minorities in history that rolled over and let the GOP attempt to turn the constitution into a Lockheed Martin invoice. Continue Reading »
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Obama and Lauer sat down with the full intention of not talking over the heads of the 50 million people watching, but Obama proved unable to contain himself from dropping at least one JD-bomb, when he told Lauer that US efforts in Afghanistan would not be able to transform that country into a “Jeffersonian Democracy.”
Somebody needs to tell this guy that we’re watching for a healthy dose of controlled violence and commercials with talking babies. Continue Reading »