Posts Tagged ‘obama’

President Obama made his first visit to a foreign country today and as was the tradition until our last President, he went to Canada. I know some of you just refer to it as America’s helmet, but our fate is tied to yours – and with that in mind here is what President Obama must always keep in mind about the True North: Continue Reading »

Advertisements

To commemorate the historic signing of the $787 billion economic stimulus plan, the Dow hit a ten-year low as millions of Americans cried tears of  an unknown emotive origin, but it sure tastes a little bit like apocalyptic malaise…

While the world continued to derail unabated, we do at least have another new website to play with until the bank comes for our homes and our sperm. Continue Reading »

“Happy Fucking Valentine’s Day, Barack – I’m Outta Here. Have fun with your two concubines from Maine and that slut Specter, you two-timing transformational messianic hunk! You told me I’d be your only true elephant! Oh God – it hurts, oh it hurts…” Judd Gregg began his press conference to announce that he was giving back the 24-karat cabinet post he received from Barry beneath the Lincoln Memorial. Continue Reading »

The ballad of O-Town is a simple one: nation falls in love with boy, but boy has to compete for nation’s love and affection as she is constantly distracted by Tommy, Timmy and that fucker Dow Jones. Boy refuses to give up, after all friendship isn’t enough because he knows he’s our soulmate, and he’s willing to go to the ends of the earth, or at least to Peoria, to prove it.  Bush had Rove, this President has the wisdom of O-Town:

LA Times

LA Times

The hits keep coming for the poor Prez – with his stimulus package finally passing the senate with only 61 votes, you’d think a grateful nation would be FedExing ice cream cakes from all over the country, but noooo – instead the focus of the day remained on Treasury Sec. Tim Geithner’s new bank bailout plan, leaving Timbo in need of a bailout himself after stocks tumbled in response to the plan’s lack of detail. On the bright side, Michelle is on the cover of Vogue – suck on that, investors of the world! Continue Reading »

When the times get tough, those who want to seem tough go to Indiana. Is there a  more hard-working, blue-collar, down-to-earth, Cougar Mellencampy, Footloose state out there? The Hoosier state is stump speech heaven, which is why Obama went there Monday to avoid a premature political death. As if that weren’t enough, Obama went on primetime TV to address the nation, again.  Someone should tell the President we’re all watching Hulu now. Continue Reading »

“You guys are all pricks, we’re going camping, and this time you’re not invited!” President Obama shouted as he climbed into Marine One for his first trip to Camp David for the weekend, after his attempt at shiny, happy bipartisanship went down in flames and Mitch McConnell and Nancy Pelosi continued into the 79th hour of their Ultimate Fighting Championship death match in the banquet room of the National Press Club. Pelosi’s mastery of the ancient Bhutanese art of Qiang Gong has been impressive, but the steel rod in McConnell’s leg has proven to be a valuable weapon. Continue Reading »

He’s a busy boy, our Barry. On Thursday #44 created the office of faith-based initiatives – and this time it’ll actually do more than teach kids that sex is evil in all forms until you’re married. Welcome to the age of faith-based fornication! Oh wait, apparently that’s not quite what it’s about either… We’ll have to get back to you on that one.  Let’s see what else… Looks like BO also had a little problem involving his labor nominee and some tax problems. Maybe just throw that one over there with the others, we’re all spent on tax evasion jokes (can we deduct that expense?)… Finally, the Prez wrapped up his day with his first flight on Air Force One to a Democratic conference where he beat down Republicans with his hopestick. Continue Reading »

After taking a seatless bicycle to the nuts from the media and Tom Daschle’s accountant on Tuesday, Barack Obama woke up today and  was comforted to remember that his ball point pen is the most powerful in the world. So he used it to give health insurance to 4 million children and take away millions of dollars from inept, infuriatingly-arrogant-with-a-sense-of-entitlement-that-makes-the-kids-on-the-Real-Housewives-of-Orange-County-seem-like-fucking-Tiny-Tim Wall Street executives. He also did that cool thing where he rolled it from finger to finger over his knuckles. Then he pulled a quarter out of Barney Frank’s ear. Continue Reading »

It was a rough day for the big B.O. – you might even say it stunk. Two Obama insiders removed themselves from the running for jobs in the administration, including the biggest Democratic donkey of late, Driving Mister Daschle himself. But that wasn’t the real surprise of the day – it came later when we watched an American President apologize profusely. Wha?? But doesn’t that mean that the terrorists have won? Here’s how it came to this: Continue Reading »